DETAILS OF
I have wanted to write our story down ever since we decided to get married, but I just haven’t taken the time to do it. I LOVE writing. Writing is how I make sense of my emotions, and I love reflecting on the past. It’s extremely therapeutic. I even studied in college how writing is scientifically proven to be therapeutic.mIt’s something I am passionate about.
I write this for us and our children, but I share our story as a fun way to get to know us. I also share with the hope of helping anyone who may be in either of our situations.
I am breaking up our story into three parts. This part is going to be the longest because it is going to cover a lot of ground, from the time we met to the time we decided to get married. The second part will be about our engagement, and the third part will be about our wedding.
So for those of you who get through this novel, THANK YOU!
Before I introduce Kellon into the story, there are a few things you need to know about where I was in my life because the story truly wouldn’t make sense without knowing enough about my situation at the time. It’s really crazy how timing works, right?
So let’s rewind a few years back. Almost exactly two years ago, I was dating someone else. We had been dating for quite a while, and I thought I was going to marry him. We will call him “John”. I was thoroughly convinced, and felt I had even received confirmation that I was to marry him. However, our relationship was far from healthy.
John and I had some good times in that relationship, but the bad times far outweighed the good. We had spent a few years in this cycle. We would date, have the best of time together, than out of nowhere, he would avoid me. By avoid me, I mean that he would completely ignore me. He wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts. He wouldn’t pick me up for dates that we had planned. He would quite literally disappear. Sometimes it would be a day, and sometimes it would be a week. Then, he would randomly talk to me, tell me all the things I had done wrong (he would literally blame me for him disappearing) and how he couldn’t handle it anymore. Then, one of two things would happen. We would either talk for hours and hours and hours, and I would literally convince him to not break up with me. If I couldn’t convince him to stick with it, he would break up with me. Once we were broken up, we would meet up and talk about it. Then the following day, he would start texting or calling me, as if we were still dating. In fact, he had a better relationship being broken up than we ever did being exclusive. Having such a good time together when we weren’t together usually resulted in us getting back together.
This happened over and over and over again, for almost two years.
With this cycle came so much anxiety. I was literally an anxious mess. I remember after the first time we had broken up and gotten back together, I was terrified. I was terrified of him doing it to me again, and then he would do it again. Some days he would be so good to me and other days, it was as if I didn’t exist. I never knew how he was going to treat me, so I was always so nervous to see him. I remember needing to go to the temple 2-3 times a week to calm myself down when I was panicking. I couldn’t focus in school, and I couldn’t sleep. I was overthinking everything I said, did, or even wore because he had one time given me the silent treatment for wearing leggings with a sweater. I would read my scriptures and pray in my car, followed by deep breaths to calm myself down each time before seeing him. I would walk to his apartment and up the stairs with my whole body shaking from nerves. I would always wear a scarf or a turtleneck to hide that my chest and neck would get all red and blotchy because I was so nervous. I look back now and see all of these red flags, and I am shocked that I let it go on for as long as I did, but I did.
As time went on, each time we broke up, it seemed to get a little easier for me. It wouldn’t bother me as much, and his complaints about me were always the same. I always knew he would end up coming back to me. It was just a cycle.
I remember having a conversation with one of my friends about a year and a half before John and I had broken up. At the time of the conversation, she was dating someone who was very close to John. She said to me that she was in the stage of her life that she was ready to get married. She felt she had progressed enough in her relationship with his friend that it was probably time to make the decision to get married or not. She told me that she had prayed to Heavenly Father and asked him that if they were not to be married, that it would end sooner rather than later. They ended up breaking up about a week later.
That conversation had always stuck in my head, and I remember so many times that I would think to myself, “Ok. Am I ready to know if this works out or not?” Each time that I would attempt to say the prayer, it wouldn’t happen. I could not bring myself to ask that the relationship end if it needed to.
In December of 2016, once again, I was receiving the silent treatment from him. He was completely avoiding me. Just as the cycle had proven itself before, I received the phone call from him that said, “Alice, I just don’t know about us. I know you would rather me do this in person, so I am coming over tomorrow night.” He then told me he was coming over the next day to break up with me.
I spent the entire next day praying, going to the temple, and listening to conference talks. I just didn’t understand. I finally listened to a podcast that talked about anxious and avoidant personalities in a relationship. It was us to a literal tee. I felt I was able to finally pinpoint what was wrong in our relationship, and it also really helped me. When he came over that night, I showed it to him, and he agreed that it was us, but then he proceeded to tell me that dating me was torture, and he wanted to break up. I said, “Ok, if we break up, this time it is different. We are going to act like we are broken up. I want you to go on dates with other people.” He then said to me, “I will. If you get asked on a date, you should go, too.” I told him that I would. As he walked out the front door, he said, “I don’t know what your plans are next week, but I would love to do something with you before we go home for Christmas Break.” I told him that it was really unfair for him to come break up with me, then ask me on a date, because he knew that I would say yes. I remember we both kinda chuckled a little bit, but I was genuinely mad. Then, I told him that I would let him know.
I cancelled our plans and just went home for the break early instead.
I spent part of my break at home, part in California, and part in North Dakota to see my sister. Oddly, I felt more okay during this breakup than any of the other ones we had had. Granted, my family had an emergency during the break that ended up taking up most of my mind and completely changed my life, but that’s a whole other story.
Just as he had each time we had broken up before, John was texting me during the whole break. I did miss him a lot, but I was doing okay. The day after we both got home, he called me, told me he had missed me, and asked if we could see each other. We met up that night at the Outlet Malls in Lehi, and walked around. We both seemed extremely calm, and it genuinely was just good to see each other and walk around and talk.
I came home that night and prayed to be asked on dates with other people so that I could see what it was like to not date John. I wanted to be able to see other options so that I could really make the best choice for me.
Sure enough, my prayer was answered. Dates started coming out of NOWHERE. I all of a sudden had a date lined up every single night for the next few weeks. At first, it was fun. I loved going out with other people, but at the end of each date, I would come home pretty discouraged. I had fun, but I wasn’t interested. John and I continued to go out with each other, and we were having a lot of fun together, too. I was really grateful that I was going on dates with other guys, but no one was really sparking my interest. I genuinely thought that within no time, John and I would get back together and things would be good, and this would be the time we would finally get married.
On January 16, 2017, I had a thought to just look through my Instagram message requests. A message had just come through from this guy named Kellon. I opened it up, and it said, “So Alice, you don’t know me. Haha so I’ll keep this short. You’re beyond gorgeous, so I’m wondering out of alllll the messages you’re probably getting all the time, what are my chances of actually being able to take you out sometime?” I responded with “Hi Kellon! That’s such a sweet compliment. Thank you! I would love to go out sometime!” He then asked for my schedule, and we decided on Saturday.
Now, rewind a bit. Earlier the week before, I had run into an old friend on campus. He had once dated one of my best friends, and I had always been kind of interested in him, but I knew he was off limits because my friend had liked him. In a nutshell, he ended up telling me that he actually really liked me, and I had been in the back of his mind all these years. He had always wondered what had happened if he had met me first because we clicked way more. I told him that I had actually also been interested in him the whole time, too. He asked me for my schedule, and I had told him that we could go out Saturday. I was genuinely excited about going out with him, and for the first time in a few years, I actually was interested in someone else besides John. I remember that was such a good feeling, and I was excited to go out with him. I had butterflies. It was such a different feeling.
But, this kid never texted me back. We never ended up going out. When I told Kellon we could go out on Saturday, I really was waiting to hear back from this other boy, but I never did, so I was able to go out with Kellon.
So now, enter Kellon into my life.
Kellon got my number and was texting me. I remember thinking it was weird that he was texting me and trying to get to know me before our date. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am NOT a good texter. Ever. I constantly have about 200 unread text messages on my phone because I forget to text back. During the next few days leading up to our date, I had not only forgotten to text him back, but I was also going out with other people. By the time Saturday rolled around, Kellon had told 7:00, but hadn’t asked for my address. I was so exhausted from my other dates that week and also super bummed that I hadn’t ever heard back from my friend. I remember being ready to go at 7, going upstairs to wait for him, and sitting at the table with my aunt. I told her about the date, and then I started crying because I didn’t want to go. I was so sick of dating already, and I was just ready to be dating John again, who at the time, was avoiding me again. Then shortly after 7, Kellon texted and asked for my address.
A few minutes later, Kellon knocked on the door. I went and answered it, and I remember thinking, “Oh, he’s way cute and smells good. He’s also got pretty big muscles.” He gave me a little hug, too. We got in the car, and he told me we were going to get some dinner. He had found this cool restaurant that we would go try, and it was in Springville. As we drove, we got to know each other a little bit. We found out that we were both from Idaho, and that we were the same age. He told me that he wasn’t in school right now, just working, and I immediately told myself, “Ohhhhhh yeah, this isn’t going to work.”
We got to the restaurant, Art City Trolley, and sat down. We ordered our food, and I learned that he didn’t like fry sauce. I thought he was nuts, but we had good conversation and tried each other’s meals. At the end of dinner, I remember thinking that the date was fine, buuuuuuuut it really probably wasn’t going anywhere.
When we got out to the car, he told me we were going to meet up with his roommate and his roommate’s date and go bowling, if I was okay with that. I told him that I was, and on our way there, he turned on a song that I really liked. That opened up the conversation for us to start talking about music, and it literally changed the entire course of our date. I started feeling relaxed, and he started showing me music that I really liked. By the time we had reached the bowling alley, I actually was having a really good time with Kellon. We met up with Taylor (Kellon’s roommate) and his date. His date ended up being my cousin’s friend and roommate, so it was really funny. I think I got the worst score in the game, but it was so fun. I remember the game getting over, and I immediately didn’t want the date to be over. I wasn’t ready to go home. I was actually so relieved when Kellon asked if I wanted to come over to his apartment to watch a movie.
I had mentioned to Kellon that I LOVE the movie Heavyweights, so as soon as Kellon saw that it was on Netflix, he said we should watch it. Taylor had taken his date home, so Kellon, Taylor, and I all watched the movie together. I was super into Kellon by this point, and I remember thinking that I would totally be okay with him holding my hand. I kept my hands on my lap the entire movie, hoping he would reach over and hold my hand, but he never did. When the movie was over, he drove me home. I soooo didn’t want the date to be over. We got out, he gave me a hug, then told me he had a really good time, and that he would love to see me again. I told him I was singing in a fireside the next night, and he said that he would come. We said goodnight, and I walked to the back door of my house just giddy. I was super into Kellon, and I couldn’t wait to see him again. It was easily the best first date I had ever had. I was on cloud nine.
I walked in the back door, pulled out my phone for the first time since he had picked me up and learned that John’s brother had just gotten engaged. My heart literally sunk. John’s family were my best friends, and it was breaking my heart that I wasn’t a part of it. I had played a big part in John’s brother’s relationship, and they had also dated for a way shorter period of time than John and I had. I remember laying in bed and being so conflicted because I still very much loved John and was broken-hearted that it wasn’t he and I who were engaged, but I was also so giddy and over the moon about the date I had just had with Kellon.
The next day, I went back and forth in my emotions. I would go from feeling so giddy about Kellon and being so excited to see him that night, to feeling jealous and sad over John’s brother’s engagement. Sunday evening, we had a fireside where Elder Rasband came and spoke to us. Because I sang in the fireside, I got to sit up front. I remember listening during his talk, and he promised to those of us who were there and hurting, that we would be healed from that pain. I listened to his whole talk with tears streaming down my face. I needed that promise, and I had the privilege of meeting him in person about a month later, and with tears streaming down my face again, I thanked him for that promise.
Right after the fireside got over, Kellon came right up to see me. He was wearing a maroon suit, and dang, he looked and smelled SO GOOD. He was so handsome and also so kind. We talked for a bit, and then he said that they were having a jam session at his apartment. I told him that we would come right over after I had grabbed a doughnut. As I was walking back to the doughnut table, this guy stopped me. He introduced himself, then explained that he was one of my best friend’s brothers. He immediately asked me how things were going with John. He told me that he had grown up with John and since he was one of my best friend’s brothers, he knew the backstory. I must have said something about how it was still back and forth. He asked me if I had given him an ultimatum, and I explained that I had not because John had really bad anxiety when it came to relationships. I was trying to be respectful of that and not putting too much pressure on him. Looking back, I was just afraid that he would not choose me. Then this kid said something that forever changed the course of my life, and it is a piece of advice that I have given to many people since. He said, “Alice, love isn’t fragile. If John really loves you, an ultimatum won’t break that love. If it does, then you know he doesn’t really love you.” It was so simple, yet so profound. It was the final push I needed to finally give John that ultimatum, which in turn, would either result in us getting married or closing that chapter of my life so that I could date someone else.
I went over to Kellon’s, and I also took my roommate Saryn with me. It was super cool. They had quite a few people over there. Someone would play the guitar, Kellon would drum, and then people would sing. Kellon was super good at singing, and I was so impressed.
He texted me that night and asked what I was doing the next night. I invited him over to my friend Jordi’s house to watch the Bachelor. Jordi knew what was going on, and she also wanted to meet Kellon, and I also wanted her to meet him so that I could get her perspective on Kellon.
I went and picked Kellon up and headed to Jordi’s. We ate dinner there, and then we watched the bachelor. About halfway through the show, Kellon held my hand for the first time. I was so nervous! My hand was all sweaty, and I was so scared that he would notice. As soon as the episode was over, we left. I drove him back to his apartment, pulled into the driveway to drop him off, and we just sat in the car for a minute talking. He reached over, grabbed my hand, and said, “Alice, this may be way off, but I feel like I have come into your life at an important time. I could be wrong, but it just feels that way.” I was so completely taken aback. He HAD come into my life at an important time. I immediately thought, “Well, I need to tell him.”
I then said, “Kellon, you have. I knew we would have to have this conversation at one point, but I didn’t think it would be this soon.” I then started to cry, and I then broke it to him that I had been dating someone for a few years. We had been off and on, and we were currently on a break. I told him that I really wasn’t expecting to find someone that I was interested in, but I had. I was super interested in Kellon.nI said, “My heart is so torn. I am in love with John, but I also really want to see where things with you would go.” I explained that Kellon was the first person to come into my life that actually made me want things with John to end. I also told him that I was nowhere near ready to date someone, but I did want to go on dates with Kellon. I don’t remember everything I said, but I do remember Kellon just holding my hand and listening to me as I cried.
I fully expected Kellon to be like, “Ok, SEE YA!” I honestly thought that it would just make my decision easier if he would just end it right there. It completely took me by surprise when Kellon leaned in closer and said, “Alice, there is something special about you. I am not going anywhere, and you can take as long as you need to figure things out.”
I was shocked. Completely shocked. LIKE WHAT. It just made me like Kellon even more. I mean, who would say that? He was willing to be patient with me while I figured my emotions out.
From this point forward, Kellon and I started seeing each other everyday. Even though he wasn’t in school, he would come with his friend, Taylor, to some of his business classes, so we would see each other on campus. We also would go over to each other’s places to see each other, too. I was in 21 credits this semester and shooting almost every single day, sometimes twice a day. It was a pretty hectic time, but Kellon was always so good to make sure we saw each other. When we weren’t together, we were usually texting each other. I remember Kellon just making me feel like a million bucks. He genuinely cared about me, and it was obvious in every way. I had never had a guy care about me the way that Kellon did, and I appreciated it so much.
However, I was still pretty torn on what to do. Because I knew how much Kellon liked me, I really wanted to be so careful of his feelings, too. On one hand, I did really like Kellon and knew I would regret not trying to date him, but on the other hand, I wrestled with the idea of John and I maybe getting back together. I just felt so confused because I hadn’t heard from John in a bit, but there also wasn’t any closure, so I was afraid to let myself fall for Kellon.
During one of the Sundays in January, we had a lesson in Relief Society on mental illness. We talked about eating disorders, depression, and anxiety. When the teacher put up a slide with all of the symptoms of anxiety, I remember reading them and being shocked. By the time I had read all of them, my eyes had filled with tears. I had every single one. EVERY SINGLE ONE. I knew I was anxious. I knew that caused problems. I had even had counseling for my anxiety, depression, and PTSD, but it had previously never hit me how bad my anxiety was, and that it literally completely took over my life. It ruled me. The whole time, we had focused on my PTSD, so I just never realized that anxiety was actually a huge problem. I started piecing everything together. I had let my anxiety spin out of control, and it was so so bad. I remember spending the rest of the day just realizing how big a part of my life that my anxiety was, and I didn’t like it. Not only that, but I also realized that I needed help. I couldn’t do it alone. I went the next day and got signed back up for counseling. Thankfully, it was the beginning of the semester, so I was able to get in rather quickly.
I remember telling my counselor about the situation I was in, and then talking to him about my anxiety. We talked about the things happening in my family that were really affecting me, as well as my current dating situation. He helped me sort out my thoughts on everything, and then started helping me learn how to make decisions.
About a week and a half after my first date with Kellon, and one of John’s brothers getting engaged, his other brother got engaged. It hit me like a ton of bricks, too. The three of us couples had gone on dates together, and I loved those girls like they were my sisters. Now, they were getting to be sisters, and I wasn’t a part of it. I remember having plans with Kellon that night, but I had to cancel them. I couldn’t even get myself off the couch. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. My heart physically hurt, and I honestly did not know what to do. I had no closure with John, and I was having a hard time accepting that there was a good chance that I would never be a part of John’s family, too, and it physically pained me. Within minutes, my roomate had come home. She sat with me while I cried, and she talked to me about it, too. I finally got myself up, got into bed, and cried myself to sleep.
I had another counseling appointment that next week, and I filled my counselor in on how I didn’t really know what to do with my situation. He said, “Okay, we are going to do a decision-making exercise.” We both had agreed that I needed to sort out whatever was happening with John first, and then I could address whatever was going to happen with Kellon. My counselor set out two chairs in the room, and he told me that I would sit in one chair, and talk to myself in the other chair. In one chair, I was Alice who wanted to stay with John. In the other chair, I was Alice who didn’t want to stay with John. I was to go back and forth between the chairs trying to convince the other Alice why my side was better. I did the exercise, and as soon as it was done, he had me sit back on the couch. He explained to me that my anxiety is basically caused by my fear of the unknown, the fear that I don’t have control. He told me that making a decision would give me control, regardless of what John chose, and it would help me a lot. He also said, “Alice, you were a totally different person in the two chairs. In one chair, I observed a far more confident Alice than the other. What did you think about it?” I explained that it was somewhat awkward, but yes, I agreed that there was one chair that I felt more confident in than another. It was the chair that wanted to stay with John.
I had made my decision.
I was dreading the fact that I felt as though I would be breaking Kellon’s heart. I still couldn’t bring myself to end things however, because I really did want things with Kellon to work out. I just knew that I needed to figure things out with John first; then I could focus on my relationship with Kellon.
I went with Jordi to Arizona a few days later, which was really an interesting trip for me. It was good to get away and breathe, but also hard because I knew that Kellon had served his mission in Arizona. I also remembered that Arizona was pretty much where my romantic relationship with John had started. As we drove to Phoenix, Kellon texted me the whole way. He even stayed up and waited for me to get there to make sure we made it safe. At the beginning of mine and Kellon’s relationship, I had told him that I didn’t like talking on the phone at all. In fact, I dreaded talking on the phone. Because of my job, I travel quite often, and because of that, when John and I were dating, and I would go on trips, I would try and call him each night before going to bed. It was usually very awkward, and if there was silence, he would get upset, then it would turn into a long discussion about our relationship, and then I would come home to a John who wouldn’t talk to me and eventually try and break up with me. SO, yes, I dreaded talking on the phone. It gave me SO. MUCH. ANXIETY.
The night we arrived in Arizona, I had told Kellon that I didn’t want to talk on the phone. He pleaded with me to talk to him, so finally I said that we could talk for just a minute. He called me, asked about the drive, then we talked about our day. I actually really enjoyed talking to him on the phone that night, too, even though it was like 1 or 2am. I remember hanging up and thinking, “Dang. This kid really is a keeper.” He had stayed up so late just to make sure I got there safely and because he just wanted to hear my voice. He really truly cared about me.
Right when I returned home from Arizona, I saw Kellon. It was so good to see him, but I also felt a bit of guilt each time I saw him. Was I stringing him along? Should I just end it? I knew I didn’t want to, and I really was afraid I would regret it.
I sat my cousin Robyn down (because she was with Kellon and I almost every day.) I said, “Robyn, I really want you to be honest with me here. I really like Kellon. I am trying to not take advantage of him, and I am also trying to not use him as a backup. If you ever feel like I start doing that, I need you to tell me.” She assured me that I wasn’t just using Kellon, and she promised me that if she ever felt like I was leading him on, she would tell me.
I had another wedding in Idaho the next day, so I took off to Blackfoot to pick up my two youngest sisters and take them with me. My little sisters were my best friends, and also with everything that had been happening in my home, I wanted to take them on a trip and just spoil them a little bit. I spent a night at my house before taking my sisters to Boise, and while I was home, I finally heard from John. We talked a little bit, but that was it.
I had just listened to a Ted Talk on YouTube that was given by the lead dating expert in the UK. She talked about how she feels people date a lot to avoid actually learning who they are. It was exactly what I needed to listen to, and on that trip to Boise, I thought about it a TON. It helped push me to the point where I was actually finally ready to find out if John and I were going to work out or not. It was the last night of that trip that I finally said the prayer I hadn’t been ready to say for over a year. I prayed to have things progress in one direction or the other. If it was meant to work out, move it in that direction, and if it wasn’t, I was ready for it to end as soon as possible.
I fasted the next day on Sunday for John and I to finally make a decision. I prayed constantly that day, and I think I also went to jam night with Kellon that night. I came home, got in bed early, and fell right to sleep. I woke up to a text from John saying that he wanted to come talk that night and that he would come pick me up. I remember feeling so grateful that my prayers were being answered so immediately. I was nervous, but I was mostly excited to finally get some answers.
I saw Kellon that day at school, but I didn’t see him that night because I was going to be with John. John came and picked me up, and then we drove to the spot that we usually went to on the hill to have our talks. He started it out by saying, “Well, I am here because your roommate called me. She said you were having a hard time, and she basically told me I need to figure out this out.” I said, “Oh, well, to be honest, I had no idea that she called you and talked to you. I had no part in that, but yes, I have been having a hard time. I’m not having a hard time because I haven’t heard from you, though, I am having a hard time because I met someone that I really like and now I need to make a decision.” I then talked to him about the discoveries I had made regarding my anxiety and the progress I had been making with my counselor. I told him that I already made a decision. He asked me what that decision was, and I told him that I had made the choice to be with John. However, I had also made the decision that if he didn’t want to be with me, that I would be done. It was time to make a decision because we had been at this for so long. John then told me that he hadn’t been talking to me the last few weeks because he was also trying to decide whether or not to marry me. I won’t tell you what he said because it was very personal, but he did say that he had come to the decision that he did want to marry me. He was ready to move in that direction. We then talked more about our anxiety and how we both need to manage ours better because that would really help our relationship. If we didn’t learn to manage it, we really should not be together. We ended the night deciding that we would date again for two weeks, and at the end of the two weeks, depending on how we had managed our anxiety, we would make the final decision to get married or break up.
The next day, Kellon and I already had a date set up. I planned on talking to him about what was going on. We went to a movie together, and then afterwards, he asked how I was feeling about dating him. I told him that I did like him, but I needed two weeks away from him to figure things out. I told him that I would sort my feelings out and take time to breathe during those two weeks. I promised him that at the end of those two weeks, I would have made my decision. What I didn’t tell him is that I would be spending those two weeks with John. I chose to not tell Kellon about it because I figured that if he knew, it would probably stress him out for those two weeks, and I really didn’t want that. Kellon asked if he could talk to me for those two weeks, and I told him that he could do whatever he wanted, but I wasn’t going to promise that he would hear back from me. I just needed some space. He told me that was totally fine, and we said goodnight. I felt sooooo terrible, and I was pretty much convinced that at the end of the two weeks, I would be breaking his heart.
Even though John and I had decided to spend the next two weeks together, we lived an hour apart. We only saw each other a few times, but each time we saw each other, things were great. We had a lot of fun, and I also felt my anxiety had calmed down.
Valentine’s Day fell during our “two week break”, which is what Kellon and I use now to refer to the time we spent apart. I was so surprised when, on Valentine’s Day, I walked out to my car, and there was a pink envelope with my name sitting between my wipers and window. I remember smiling as I picked it up. I didn’t even have to open it to know who it was from. I drove home and opened it in my car. It was a letter from Kellon with monkeys on it because he knew I loved monkeys. It absolutely warmed my heart.
The day came that John and I were supposed to make our decision, and we didn’t have school. I assumed that we would just sort of spend the day together and then decide to get married. However, when I didn’t hear from him, I texted him. When I still didn’t hear anything from him, I was livid. I did finally hear from him later, and he basically said that he was tied up and couldn’t meet up. It was very short, to the point, and he was very obviously avoiding me, again. I responded and told him that I needed him to call me ASAP. On the phone, I voiced my frustration that we had just had two wonderful weeks together, and he was backing out of meeting up when we both had already agreed on talking that night. I told him that I knew he was avoiding me. He apologized and told me that he was avoiding me, and it was unfair. We agreed to meet up the next night and talk.
Mine and Kellon’s two week mark was the next day, too, and Kellon asked if he could see me. I wanted to keep my promise to him, so I told him that I was meeting up with John that night to talk, but that I could see him before if he wanted to. Kellon said that he would love to just go on a drive with me, so he came and picked me up. I honestly was nervous before I saw him because I really had no idea what the next 24 hours would bring, but I do remember the moment I got into his car and saw him, any anxious feeling I had melted away. I felt so comfortable with Kellon, and I immediately thought to myself, “Ya know, no matter what happens tonight, I am going to be okay.” In that moment, I felt totally open to ending things with John and letting Kellon fully into my heart. I knew that I would be so happy with Kellon, and that Kellon would take care of me. I really was going to be okay.
I also got a blessing that afternoon that told me that I would get to see qualities that night that I would get to decide if I wanted my husband to have them or not.
I drove to Lehi that night, totally unsure of how John was going to be acting. We saw each other, and he seemed to be in a really happy mood. We talked for a bit about my trip and school, then we went in the store and got some grapes. Anytime I brought up “the talk”, he would divert the conversation. I finally said something along the lines of, “Ok, we need to stop avoiding this conversation because it is getting late, and we need to have it.” His demeanor immediately changed, and he started telling me that he still didn’t know. He wasn’t ready to make the decision. I started to feel very frustrated and very stuck. Stuck in a situation that may never end. I honestly didn’t know what to do or say, so I just sat there staring out the front window, numb. He stopped talking and asked what he could do to help that look on my face go away because he had never seen it before. I then said something like, “Well, I need to make a decision tonight. I love you, and I want this to work, but I can’t keep doing this, and I can’t keep the other boy waiting. I can’t force you to choose me back, but I will walk away if you can’t decide.” John immediately got really upset with me. I had never seen him act like that before, but he probably spent the next 30-45 minutes telling me how he didn’t actually love me, then telling me all the things about me that he didn’t like. Thankfully, I don’t remember everything he said because I have tried really hard to block this conversation out of my head. We finally just broke things off, said a pretty quick goodbye and parted ways.
Other than the few times we have run into each other at receptions, that was the last time we saw each other and the last time we ever talked. It really was the end of our relationship, but definitely not the end of my healing. It was just the beginning of that.
As I drove home that night in the pouring rain, I fully expected to cry. In fact, I wanted to cry. I tried to cry, but I couldn’t bring myself to cry. I just felt numb, Totally and completely numb.
Even the next day, I felt numb. To be honest, I think I numbed all of my emotions as much as I could for a few months because I was so afraid of that hurt and the pain.
Kellon came to my intramural game that next night, and afterwards, we went out to the car and chatted before going to get some dinner. He asked me how it had gone, and I told him that we had completely ended things. I once again said that I wasn’t ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend, but I definitely wanted to still see him. I also reassured him that I wasn’t seeing anyone else, either.
Kellon didn’t really ask any questions about it, but I also knew that he and Jordi had been talking, and she had already told him that things had ended. I still to this day don’t know exactly everything they talked about, but I do know that they talked anytime Kellon was having a hard time with me. Jordi would give him advice on what to do and tell him to hang in there. She was totally team Kellon, and I am grateful for the role she played in helping Kellon to stick around.
Also, Kellon is a champ.
The same week that John and I broke up, his first brother got married. I was already planning to go to the reception, and I knew that I needed to. In fact, I wanted to, so I went. It was really hard to see his family, but right after the reception, Kellon and I went to a concert together. He held my hand the whole time, and we had so much fun. Like so much fun. I felt so relaxed and comfortable and just right at home. I really wanted to be with Kellon.
That night, when he dropped me off, I really wasn’t ready for the night to be over. It had been SO GOOD. He hugged me really tight, and we pulled away, he leaned in and kissed me for the first time. I had been very intentional in not kissing him while things with John were still up in the air, and he had also been very respectful of that, too. It was literally the cutest, sweetest, and best kiss I had ever had. It gave me all the butterflies, and wowowowowowow I really liked Kellon.
However, up until this point, I had been very open with Kellon about how I was not wanting to be exclusive. I wasn’t going on any other dates, so it wasn’t because I really wanted to still date around. If I am being completely honest, it was solely because in my head, it wasn’t really over with John until I was officially dating someone else. There was still a little piece of my brain that silently was waiting for John to reach out to me and apologize. If I became official with Kellon, then it really truly was over with John.
There is a song called “Ex” by James TW that I heard during this time, and it really hit me. It had put into words what I had been struggling to put into words for weeks now. It talks about how his friends are trying to have him go out after a breakup because they don’t see how much pain he’s in, but he doesn’t want to because then he could meet someone else. If he meets someone else that he likes, he may end up forgetting about his past lover, and that’s when she will truly become an ex.
John wasn’t really an ex for me, yet, and I was afraid that all the emotions and pain would finally hit me when I realized he really was an “ex”. That’s really what it came down to. This was the barrier that I needed to get over before I could date Kellon.
But then Kellon kissed me, and it all became more real.
I was always very selective with who I kissed. I didn’t ever kiss someone if I was still dating other people, so I had felt justified in not becoming official with Kellon because we hadn’t kissed. As soon as he kissed me, I knew the next time he brought up dating, I would say yes to being his girlfriend.
He didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend right away, though. In fact, he didn’t even kiss me again for a whole week! Talk about anticipation!
Jordi had told me that Kellon was going on a date with another girl that weekend. I knew that was fine because I was the one who hadn’t let us become official. Jordi had given Kellon the advice to go on dates with other girls until I would be exclusive. I remember having a girls night with Robyn at our cabin, and I knew Kellon was on a date. I hated it. I really, really hated it, but if I really wanted to do something about it, I needed to become his girlfriend.
A few days after Kellon had kissed me, I was over at his apartment. He walked me out to my car, hugged me goodbye, and then didn’t kiss me. On my drive home, he called me. He asked if it was okay that he has kissed me, and I laughed a little, probably blushed a lot, and then told him that yes, it was fine.
He still didn’t kiss me again for a few days.
But then he kissed me again, and we have been kissing each other ever since.
I went on a trip with my classmates for my major at the beginning of March. During our dating life, me going on trips was a very regular occurrence. Thankfully, I had some friends also going, so it wasn’t completely miserable, but it still was a dumb trip. Kellon and I talked the whole time, and each night at the hotel, we would Facetime. I was sharing a room with five or six other girls, and they all told me that Kellon was so cute. The asked if he was my boyfriend, and I answered that he was not my boyfriend. They all gave me such a hard time about that and told me that I should date him.
The night I got home from my trip, Kellon was waiting for me at my house. That night, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes, that I would.
I had told my family a little bit about Kellon, and that I really like him. My oldest sister Emily lives in North Dakota, but they were coming to visit and bless their baby at the end of March. I was not at all planning on taking Kellon to meet my family. In fact, I was very intentional about who I introduced Kellon to because I didn’t want my family being attached to someone if they didn’t end up being in the family. Emily talked me into inviting Kellon to come home with me and meet everyone since that would probably be the only time Em and Joe could meet him, in case we did decide to get married.
Of course, everyone in my family loved Kellon. He even took our family photos for us. My dad made a comment to Kellon about jumping in the photo, and Kellon said, “Oh, I am not the one who doesn’t want me in the photo.”
Kellon was always so romantic and trying to find little ways to surprise me. I had made a comment to him about how we had never danced together, and one night, when we were saying goodnight, he asked if I had a minute. I was confused, but told him yes. He pulled out his phone, turned on a song, and then asked if I would dance with him. We then danced in the middle of the road, under the street light. It was so cute. We later danced to that song, again, at our reception for our first dance.
Pretty much from the time John and I ended things, Kellon and I saw each other every single day that I wasn’t on a trip. I would go to school and see him. I would come home from school, and Kellon would already be at my house waiting for me to get home. We would cook dinner together, he would come with me on all of my photoshoots, he would sit with me while I did homework, and even stay with me until it was time for bed. Every moment that we could be together, we were. Even when we weren’t together, we were texting. He was so patient with me, always, and he couldn’t seem to get enough time with me, either. He made so many sacrifices to always be by my side, and he really did become my best friend. He just casually stepped into my life and started winning over my heart before I even knew it.
It was so adorable that he wanted to spend all that time with me, and really, it is so cute, but I was silently struggling soooo much on the inside. I really felt that I needed some time alone just to evaluate and process what had just happened to me. My life had just taken a complete 180, and I hadn’t even taken time by myself to let everything sink in and mourn the loss of John, but also fix myself. I was left so broken and emotionally abused from two years of ups and downs with John, and I really did need fixing. I really didn’t think that anyone could help fix me but myself.
I felt so guilty for still hanging out with Kellon when I still really cared for my ex, too. I also had so many unanswered questions. I had people from all angles giving me their opinions on what I should do. I had people close to me saying that I needed to break up with Kellon, I had people saying I needed to stay with Kellon, I had people telling me that John was an idiot, and I had people telling me to reach out to John and try to mend things. EVERY SINGLE PERSON had an opinion on what I should do, and it was really tough for me. I felt so much pressure from family and friends to make certain decisions, and I honestly didn’t want to do anything but lay in my bed for weeks. I felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t even feel like the relationship was mine. Each time I felt I would take three steps forward with Kellon, I would run into an old friend of mine and John’s, and they would say something or encourage me to talk to him, and I would feel myself taking two steps back in my relationship with Kellon. It was so confusing. I literally held on for dear life just waiting for Kellon to leave for the summer so that I could breath.
Kellon was planning to leave for the summer to do summer sales again. He was planning to sell in California, and honestly, this was a big reason why I even decided to keep dating him despite all of the emotions I was trying to sort through. In my mind, I really thought I needed time away from Kellon, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to risk losing him. So, I viewed his summer sales as a way to do that. We could still date, but I could also take the necessary time to heal. Then, by the time he would be coming home, I would be totally ready to be 100% in. I also felt that it would be good for me to miss him. I already had quite a few weddings booked in California, and he had to come back for his sister’s wedding, so we also knew we would see each other each few weeks.
In my head, it was the perfect scenario.
Two nights before Kellon was supposed to move to California for the summer, we were in the car talking about our summer plans. I told him that I would miss him, and I really truly felt I would miss him. He then told me that he had really been thinking about it, and he no longer felt like he needed to go do summer sales. He said he had actually decided to stay in Utah for the summer. He wasn’t going anywhere.
I know that Kellon fully expected me to be so happy, but I was honestly devastated. I started bawling. I absolutely lost it. I immediately thought, “Kellon thinks staying is the best thing for us, but it is honestly the worst thing for us.” I’m sure I took him by surprise that I was so sad. He was so confused by the whole thing, and I was a mess. I really did want things with Kellon to work out, and I felt that I needed time to truly heal before progressing any further in our relationship. Him staying was taking that opportunity away from me, and I thought it would destroy us. I thought I would destroy us. I finally just told him that I needed to go inside and go do bed and that we could talk about it the next day.
I had to finally break it to him that I was really struggling inside with all the different emotions I was feeling. I explained that I had been waiting for this break because I felt I needed it. I told him that I hadn’t wanted to scare him away because he really was amazing. He was so kind and patient with me, and I was so grateful that he was still with me. I was just struggling.
Kellon was always so good to hear me out and so patient with not always knowing where I stood in our relationship. In the moment, and even now looking back, I still feel guilty for being so unsure of where I was at in the process. I feel bad that I was such an emotional mess, but Kellon was so consistent.
I was always so impressed with how consistent Kellon was. Kellon had reassured me so many times before that he wasn’t going anywhere. He was going to hold onto me as long as I would let him, and it was honestly so calming to hear that. I knew Kellon wasn’t going anywhere, and I know that knowing I wasn’t going to scare him away let me be me. I didn’t have to hide that I was struggling emotionally. I didn’t ever drive to his apartment with my stomach in knots. I never had to wonder how he would treat me. I never feared that he would leave me. I always knew that he loved me and would be so good to me. I no longer had to worry about the next time that he would be mean to me or break up with me like John did. All the fears I had with John, I didn’t have with Kellon. I felt safe with Kellon.
But I still couldn’t completely let my feelings for John go.
Every once in a while, Kellon would ask how I was doing and how I was feeling about “us”. He had already told me that he basically wanted to marry me, but wowowowow that was such a huge step for me, and I truly didn’t think I could even think about marrying him until I had my feelings and hurt healed from my relationship with John. I always knew Kellon was a few steps ahead of me, and I tried to be okay with it, but I still felt so much pressure—pressure from him and from everyone around me.
One night, we were sitting on the couch at my aunt’s house, and Kellon told me he loved me. He had said it before, but I had never said it to him, but this time, I said it back. I immediately knew I shouldn’t have said that. I knew I was getting to the point where I loved him, but I also was nowhere near even ready to say that. I felt so bad, but I didn’t say anything about it then. In fact, Kellon started telling me he loved me more often, and each time, I felt like I had to say it back. I asked if we could go on a drive and talk, and I ended up telling him that I was still very unsure of my feelings and if this is the direction I saw my life going. I still went back and forth between him and my feelings with John, and I didn’t want to feel like I had to tell him I loved him. I told him that he could tell me he loved me all he wanted, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to say it back yet.
When we got back to Kellon’s apartment after that drive, we sat in the car for a bit. Kellon didn’t talk, he just stared out the front window. Then all of a sudden, he lost it. He just started crying. I don’t know if I had seen him cry up until that point, but it hurt me so much to see him hurting like that. He told me that this whole time, he had been envisioning our lives together. It had always been a matter of when we would get married, not if. In fact, “if” hadn’t even crossed his mind. He told me that it was extremely hard for him to accept that there was still an “if” we got married, and he couldn’t handle the thought of losing me. He didn’t want to be with anyone else.
Obviously, up to this point, I knew Kellon loved me. He didn’t even have to tell me he loved me for me to know that. I could tell by the way he looked at me. I could tell by the way he treated me. I could tell because he was still there, by my side, holding my hand while I was a mess. He was so patient with me. However, I did not know how deeply Kellon loved me until I saw how pained he was at the thought of losing me. He had always been so strong when I was around him, even when he knew I was doubting us, but seeing him break like that broke me. I now knew just how much I meant to Kellon, and I loved him for loving me so much. In fact, I didn’t realize how much I loved him until I felt so hurt from seeing how much I had hurt him. It absolutely broke my heart.
On a night shortly after this conversation, Kellon gave me a letter, a letter that completely changed my life. Kellon had gone to lunch with one of our friends, and our friend gave Kellon some advice—to just be thankful for the time that we do have together. In the letter, Kellon says a lot of things, but one of them is that he doesn’t know what is going to happen with us, but that he is just going to enjoy what time we do have together.
Even though the letter said a lot of other things, we talked about how it is scary for him to think that he could lose me, but rather than trying to focus on the future, he was going to be more present. He was going to be more grateful for each new day we get to spend together. He reassured me that as long as we are doing the right things, then we will end up right where we are suppose to be.
Right around the same time as this conversation, I made a deal with myself, too. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to talk to anyone else about our relationship. I was going to talk to 2-3 people about it, just to keep myself in check, but other than that, I was going to keep our relationship ours. That meant that anytime anyone started giving me advice on what to do with Kellon, or anytime I would run into an old friend of mine and John’s, I would just sort of tune out what they were saying. This was my relationship, and I was the one who needed to be making decisions. That was amazing for me because I gained control of my relationship. I was in charge of it, and I was in charge of my decisions. I was doing things for me, not for anyone else.
Everything changed for me and for us. That was the best decision we each made while we were dating. Kellon’s decision calmed him down, and my decision calmed me down. The pressure was lifted. I no longer felt suffocated. I felt so overwhelmed with gratitude for Kellon and that he was still by my side. I started letting myself fall even more in love with Kellon. I started enjoying my time with him more. I started wanting him by my side 24/7. I started truly falling in love with Kellon. I started sleeping better, feeling better, and being better. I felt like a new me. Granted, I did still have a few times where I would catch myself still being unsure, but it was okay. I no longer felt anxious about it.
However, I was really nervous about the 4th of July to roll around because the 4th of July of the previous year was the best day that John and I had ever had together. I knew how much Kellon and I had progressed in our relationship, and I really didn’t want to take any steps back this time. I was nervous that the 4th of July would trigger those memories and make me rethink everything again. I made sure to plan a day packed with new and fun things for us. We went with my cousins to a reservoir near our family cabin. We floated and swam around, and then we went to the cabin to roast hot dogs and marshmallows. It was glorious. We had a blast, and we didn’t get home until about midnight. As we were sitting in the driveway, Kellon brought “us” up again and asked me how I was feeling. He said that he had noticed a change in me, and he was curious what it was.
I know I was overreacting, but I was really upset that Kellon had brought it up. I had tried everything I could that day to avoid the subject of John or my feelings for him, and Kellon had just brought it up. We ended up talking for a few hours about it that night, and it left me questioning whether I was really ready to move past my feelings with John or not.
The next few days were rough for me, and I even tried breaking up with Kellon. I told him that I really did need to take time to heal and that I really thought I ought to do it on my own. He apologized, and I know he felt so bad for bringing it up, and I also feel so bad for putting him through everything I did.
Shortly after this on separate occasions, both within about a week of each other, two of my dear friends told me a story of how they too had been in a long relationship before they married the spouses. They both told me that they had struggled with similar feelings to mine, but they reassured me that those experiences didn’t make them love their husbands any less. It didn’t change their marriage, either. They still care about their ex, obviously not the same way they do their husbands, but they reassured me that it is normal to still have feelings for John. It’s normal for those feelings to come and go, too. When you spend as much time and go through as much as I did with John, it would be weird if I didn’t still love him. With time, the pain goes away. You think less and less about them, and eventually, they just sort of fizzle out of your life. They may pop up here and there, and it’s normal for it to hurt a little bit, but it shouldn’t keep me from loving and being with Kellon.
It was SO good for me to hear that. It helped me no longer guilt myself for those feelings. It opened the door for me to replace that guilt with love for Kellon. It let me actually fall for Kellon and admit that I really really loved him.
I finally felt like I had taken a huge leap in our relationship. It was so so good, and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment that I had with Kellon. I was with him because I was choosing to be with him, not because I felt pressured to be with him. I just couldn’t get enough of him.
In July, I took a week long trip to Oregon for a wedding. I had always dreamed of going to Oregon, and I had asked my cousin Robyn to come with me. Up until this point, I hadn’t ever taken Kellon on a work trip because I viewed my work trips as a time for me to be alone and heal. So, I didn’t take Kellon to Oregon. Kellon talked to us on the phone for about three hours on our drive down. As soon as we arrived, I wished he was there. Our first day in Oregon, we went and explored waterfalls and hiked around. The first thing I wanted to do was to tell Kellon all about it. The wedding was amazing, my couple was amazing, and everything about the trip was unreal. It was an incredible experience, and I wanted Kellon there to experience it.
On the last day of the trip, Robyn and I did a 10-mile hike to see 11 different waterfalls. There was no cell service, and each waterfall was so beautiful and unique. When we finally reached the last one, Robyn and I each sat down in our own little spot and just pondered for probably 30 minutes. It was so peaceful. As I sat there, I thought about how much I missed Kellon. I thought of how lucky I was to have him in my life, and also how wonderful he was to still be with me. I started replaying in my head all of the things he had done for me. I was so lucky to have him. I realized in that moment that who I marry is 100% my choice. Not only that, but I get to choose how I am treated for the rest of forever, based on who I choose to marry. Kellon made me feel so loved and wanted, and I loved him for that. He loved me for my flaws and everything I am. He was so proud of me and my businesses, and he supported me. Kellon would have done anything for me, and he had already shown me that. He always made our relationship work, always made time for me, and always made sure I knew how much he loved me. I get to choose the life I have, and I get to choose how I am treated. As I thought about this, it physically hurt that Kellon wasn’t there experiencing all of this with me. It was during this pondering that I made my decision to marry Kellon. That was the life I wanted, and he was who I wanted to experience everything with. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
I couldn’t drive home from Oregon fast enough. I just wanted to get home and see Kellon. I didn’t tell anyone except Robyn that I wanted to marry Kellon. I didn’t even tell Kellon that I wanted to marry him. I just let that thought sit in my brain for a few weeks.
As soon as I got home from Oregon, Kellon was at my house waiting for me. I said, “Kellon, we need to go on a trip. I need to know whether or not I will be annoyed with you.” He laughed, and I am sure he thought, “I thought you would never ask if I wanted to go on a trip with you!” but we decided he would come with me to San Diego like two weeks later.
Life with Kellon was so so good. It just kept getting better, and I still would get butterflies with I saw him. I just loved him more and more with each passing day.
When we drove to California, it was super fun. We went with my cousin Robyn, and we also stayed at her house. Actually, Kellon stayed at their friend’s house, but Robyn and I stayed at her family’s house. We were having a blast together, and late in the night on August 4th, we were hanging out on the couch. Robyn had either gone to bed or was on the phone with someone, and Kellon asked me how I was feeling about “us”. He asked where I thought we would end up. I think I asked him the same thing, and when he said he wanted to marry me, I told him that I wanted to marry him, too. I also told him then that I loved him. It was that night that we finally decided to get married.
Kellon really is my whole world, and I love him so much. I truly am so lucky that he stuck around through all of that because I don’t know if I would have, had I been in his shoes, but I am so so glad that he did.
He’s my whole world, and I wouldn’t change anything. Thanks for never leaving my side and loving me so much.
